We’re living in a studio next door to the apartment we’ve been living in for two years. The apartment is a one-bedroom with a galley kitchen that is smaller than you think, that makes other people’s galley kitchens feel spacious. I envy your small kitchen. The carpet was pulled up and the pad and tile came up too and a bunch of stuff went down and now time for paint, tile in the kitchen, sealants. I don’t know how anything works. I think about neutral lipstick and doing squats. I don’t have any money, I repeat over and over. I make very little money, not enough money, I should work harder. I use unbury.me constantly to play out a fantasy of being student loan debt-free and it sparks so much and so much and so much.

I like filling in my eyebrows, getting up in the morning and showering and slathering on moisturizers, powders, colors. I put on a black shirt and black pants/black skirt/blue jeans and black shoes. This summer, I stopped clipping up one side of my hair with a black bobby pin just because the pins are packed away in a box somewhere right now and I like the way it looks without. For years, my hair stayed tied up, bunned, braided, pinned, wrapped, etc. Sometimes, someone on the bus will ask if my hair is permed.

23 Jul 2014 / 6 notes

I baked up five whole cups and some of granola made of oat, millet, and chia. The Whole Foods worker said, “Everyone’s buying oats and millet today. Is everyone eating the same thing?” Yes. Bird seed feed clusters for all.

Really what I’m thinking about is if I should be taking selfies and putting them on the internet so when I walk towards and subsequently pass an internet face I recognize, we can both do the squint, that dance, so I don’t have to pretend like I don’t recognize you and then after I would still text Lindsey or Stefan or someone about how I saw someone from the internet.

I have seen a lot of you lately! I’m sorry I don’t say hello and that you don’t know my face, even if some of us are Instagram friends now. You’re all shorter and more beautiful than I imagined but still looming. A lot is like three and lately is maybe a month or so. I want to include former co-workers so the number is higher but still.

17 May 2014 / 6 notes

Things are hard and they stay hard or they turn soft and you lay on the bed with your partner and your two cats—oh man, that poor cat with the cast on his leg—everyone belly down on top of the blankets, pillows jammed all over, a Marvel v. Capcom 3 tourney streaming on the iPad propped against a pillow. Mostly I feel overwhelmed, burdened, like I am failing at being a friend, being a good cat mom, being, you know, a whole being. Or I feel really great so who knows. It’s spring shaking Chicago out of winter but winter always comes back here. Lately, I wish I owned a car so I could drive to, like, suburban book stores or Mitsuwa or Ikea and not really have to exert that much effort to get that far out. We watched The Thirteenth Floor again (mostly Stefan watched while I played Scramble with Friends against some strangers and Laura) because it’s on HBO Go so maybe that’s where this is coming from.

Oh, hey. It’s been a while.

Today I did an adult thing and looked at my credit report and didn’t cry. I’m almost 27. It was just time. I bought bell hooks’s All About Love: New Visions for the third selection of a WOC feminist book club and requested a hold on another book at the library for the next YA book club. I sent an email to a former book club where I said I missed them because I do, I really, really do. I am turning in freelance assignments early. I can put on liquid eyeliner with no mistakes. There are vegetables and baked cookies now, olive oil ice cream with salted pepitas to come. I can be a better person.

30 Jan 2014 / 8 notes

I cut off most of my hair and bought red lipstick that is actually fuchsia and is perfect. I cleaned and oiled my sewing machine. I can feel air on my neck. I’m back in Chicago and wearing this sweater with roses on it. Stefan is playing Magic in Indiana and the cats are quiet. So that’s how 2014 is going.

4 Jan 2014 / 8 notes